I can't quite figure out what success looks like for me. This is a very dangerous place to be. I was talkin to H about this and what success was for him and in the conversation I realized that I had no idea for myself. I feel that the pre-defined avenues for success are shallow. I am a Christian and a pastor so success for me is a big church and lots of conference speaking. Maybe a book where I take one verse of scripture out of context and build in into one huge unscriptural theme. The prayer of Jabez is taken, and so are lions, I'm considering something with goats, but I'm afraid it won't be catchy enough. Anyway, I know that if I were to accomplish the tasks I would be viewed as a success all while being an enormous failure of a man. That would be enough to push me over the edge.
You want to feel the real tension in my soul, though? I want to be big. Bigger than anyone you've ever even heard of. Second grade kids will walk around the playground saying, "my dad is more like Jared Kirk than your dad is." I want to be so big that people actually forget the names of the founding fathers. I want to be so big that I make Oprah, Ghandi, and Martin Luther seem like small time. I want to be so big they make movies about people that used to know my sister. But I have two problems. One, I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm just not that special. And two, I think it is really wrong to want to be that important. I end up feeling awful all the time.
I don't want to fulfill my potential. You can do that and still be a loser.
I don't want to be a conference speaker, the majority of whom are losers.
I want to be me.
**left Robbie McLaughlin out of the list in the last post and he called me on it. Oops.