Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Difficulty: Online Bio

As far as I can tell the real trick is just not coming off completely gay or like an old man trying to sound cool. If I were going to just do it for real it would be this.

Jared Kirk
is 26 and lives in Monroe with his wife Heather and two dogs Ginny and Tonks. He is a Pastor at Next Level Church and enjoys teaching, writing, and Halo 3. He hopes to write a book and have a family some day, not necessarily in that order.

But then you start to think about it. Should you put Monroe or Charlotte, because you don't live in Charlotte, but who knows where Monroe is and you don't want to sound like your from podunk-backwoods-ville. But who really even knows where Charlotte is? Better to go regional. And then should you put that you're married on there. I mean, won't that just attract a bunch of cougars who are looking for a married guy who is a stable guy that they can have a fling with. Putting that your married on there is practically asking to get hit on, better to say your single and 35 then people will assume something is wrong with you. The fact that you have dogs does not need to be put on there unless you have a full-on subscription to Dog Fancy magazine. Don't want to be a freak so we'd better not mention it. Speaking of a freak, are they really named after Harry Potter characters? What a giant dork. But you have to have something on there that says that you are loving toward animals. Maybe it should just be a cat with some cool topical name like Bill Clinton. If you tell people you are a pastor that will color their whole reading of the blog, better just to stick with the college degree. The first two pasttimes seem pretentious and the last one is super nerdy. Better to have some funny reference to something we all love back in the 80's even though it's not really fun anymore. Let's go with pogs and topple, that sounds funny. The worst part of all though, is putting your hopes and dreams on a bio for people to scoff at. It might as well be something that other people hope for, but that they can never accomplish, but that you are "taking steps toward." That will make them seriously envy you, which is, after all, the primary purpose of a bio, followed closely by making yourself appear witty. I think a recording contract would work nicely and maybe you should throw in other people feel guilty about not doing. Volunteering to save the environment on the weekends should do nicely. For all these reasons and more here is my new bio:

Jared Kirk
is 35 and single and lives with his cat Bill Clinton in Atlanta, GA. He is a Biomedical Engineer who enjoys pogs and topple. He is deep into negotiations for his first record deal with Sony records. He also volunteers all of his free time helping inner-city children save the world from Global Warming while learning to read.

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